One of the things I miss the most is our talks. We talked to each other every day – even if it was just for a few minutes. Sometimes our conversations were deep and thought provoking. Sometimes they were full of gossip and jokes. Sometimes there were even harsh words spoken. But there was also conversation.
Our last conversations together are the most precious to me. When she was diagnosed with lung cancer her doctor called me and told me she had at the most 2 weeks to live and suggested I get to her. I lived in Bonifay, FL at the time – she lived in Hanover, PA. I left immediately and spent the remainder of her life right by her side (which was closer to 1 week than 2).
As many know my Mama had a motorcycle accident when I was 8 years old (she was 27). This accident caused her numerous health issues but it opened up the topic of death between us. We talked about it often and I knew her wishes should she ever be in that position again. Little did we know that she would only be 43 years old when death would take her.
When I first arrived to her bedside she was awake and seemed fully coherent. We talked about everything – including her impending death. It’s amazing how many topics can be covered when you know you will probably never be able to talk about them again. She wanted to make sure that I was okay. She wanted to make sure that I stayed strong when I needed to be but remembered it was okay to still lean on others. She wanted to make sure that my babies knew how much she loved them – Ashlee was the only grandchild she knew and she loved her more than anything; Kristin was not born for 6 more months but she talked about her as if she already knew her and I know she would have loved her just like Ashlee.
Our last conversation was only me talking as she had slipped into her final sleep. Somehow I knew she could still hear me. I assured her that I would make sure that my babies knew as much about her as possible. I assured her that I would finish college. I assured her that I would do what I could to find a good job and help provide for my family. I assured her that I would only be angry for a little while for her leaving me so soon and would then try to move on with only happy memories. I assured her that I would be happy and try to always look at the positive side of things. I assured her that I would be okay.
I still talk with her. I think I always will. She was the one person I could tell everything to and was assured that she would still love me no matter what. I am convinced that she is still there listening to me. I am convinced that she is still watching over me. And I know that she has been assured that I have tried to keep my promises to her. It may have been a struggle to get through losing her. It may have been difficult to get through some of the things life threw at me without her here to help guide me. But just as I promised her…I am okay. Sure there are times when I have to convince myself…but I know that I am okay….and I will continue to be.
I love you Mama….always.
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