Purple Tears For My Mama

22 years ago yesterday (April 28) my Mama passed away.

The emotions that happen on this day each year are crazy.  I will admit that it has got better over the years.  I don't spend so much time sad about it anymore.  I spend most of the day thinking of good times.  That's how my Mama would want it.

I miss being able to talk to her every day. Well, I really miss her talking back because I still talk to her all the time.  Anytime something good or bad happens I think I need to tell her.  She loved Prince and would have been especially sad to hear of his death.  When I heard the news she was the first person I thought of.

I'm sure some people have a problem with the things that are so special to me and make me feel so connected to my Mama.  But I don't care...LOL.  She wasn't perfect (who is?).  But she loved me with all her heart.  And she never put blinders on me for how the world was - the good or the bad.  She exposed me to all types of music, all types of literature, all types of art, and all types of television and film.  She encouraged me to make my own decisions and like things because I liked them (not because someone else did or thought I should).

Prince was one of the many artists that both my Mama and I shared a love for.  I spent my teenage years singing to Prince's music....and still do today.  As with many people, he helped define my youth and my musical tastes. I listened to his 1999 (album) and Purple Rain (album) for HOURS on end. When the movie Purple Rain came out we watched it over and over and over....signing to every tune of course.  Purple Rain was shown at The Grand Theatre in Pier Park last night.  I had never seen it on the big screen and thought it was fitting to see it on this day - on the anniversary of my Mama's death.

The movie was as great as it was every other time I have seen it.  Classic 80s! The music!  The clothes!  The hair!  The memories!  I just wish my Mama would have been there to see it too.  I like to think that she's getting to sing those songs with the man himself these days.  I can see her now singing and dancing along, partying like it's 1999.  Partying was one thing she was really good at...LOL.

In the days to come there will be lots of information released on Prince's death and the suspected causes of it.  The tabloids are already having a field day.  I will not focus on this and let it taint my memories associated with Prince.  He was a musical genious and his music and movies will live on forever.  Take some time to enjoy them.  Spend some time listening to his lyrics - really listening to them.  Listen past the sex references and see how they actually relate to life in general.  And take some time to tell the people that mean something to you how you feel.  You never know when it's the last time you will get the chance.  This year my tears for my Mama will be purple....just like the rain.

***

Purple Rain (1984) - (IMDB link)
Directors: Prince, Michael Ballhaus
Stars: Prince, Apollonia Kotero, Morris Day, Clarence Williams III...

Check out this link for Prince's 40 Biggest Billboard Hits - WOW!

Check out this link for Rolling Stone readers poll: The 10 Best Prince Songs

And some of my personal favorites (I can't pick just one) with release year.  There are so many more I could list here...anything off of 1999 and Purple Rain should really be here as I LOVE both of those albums. Check out the first link for video and song facts link for more info about each:
Purple Rain (1984) - song facts
When Doves Cry (1984) - song facts
Let's Go Crazy (1984) - song facts
1999 (1983) - song facts
Little Red Corvette (1983) - song facts
Darling Nikki (1984) - song facts
Take Me With U (1984)

20 Years of Memories

20 years can feel like an eternity. It can also feel like a split second. Today marks 20 years since my Mama passed away. Sometimes it feels as if it was just yesterday that I was sharing my deepest thoughts with her.

One of the things I miss the most is our talks. We talked to each other every day – even if it was just for a few minutes. Sometimes our conversations were deep and thought provoking. Sometimes they were full of gossip and jokes. Sometimes there were even harsh words spoken. But there was also conversation.

Our last conversations together are the most precious to me. When she was diagnosed with lung cancer her doctor called me and told me she had at the most 2 weeks to live and suggested I get to her. I lived in Bonifay, FL at the time – she lived in Hanover, PA. I left immediately and spent the remainder of her life right by her side (which was closer to 1 week than 2).

As many know my Mama had a motorcycle accident when I was 8 years old (she was 27). This accident caused her numerous health issues but it opened up the topic of death between us. We talked about it often and I knew her wishes should she ever be in that position again. Little did we know that she would only be 43 years old when death would take her.

When I first arrived to her bedside she was awake and seemed fully coherent. We talked about everything – including her impending death. It’s amazing how many topics can be covered when you know you will probably never be able to talk about them again. She wanted to make sure that I was okay. She wanted to make sure that I stayed strong when I needed to be but remembered it was okay to still lean on others. She wanted to make sure that my babies knew how much she loved them – Ashlee was the only grandchild she knew and she loved her more than anything; Kristin was not born for 6 more months but she talked about her as if she already knew her and I know she would have loved her just like Ashlee.

Our last conversation was only me talking as she had slipped into her final sleep. Somehow I knew she could still hear me. I assured her that I would make sure that my babies knew as much about her as possible. I assured her that I would finish college. I assured her that I would do what I could to find a good job and help provide for my family. I assured her that I would only be angry for a little while for her leaving me so soon and would then try to move on with only happy memories. I assured her that I would be happy and try to always look at the positive side of things. I assured her that I would be okay.

I still talk with her. I think I always will. She was the one person I could tell everything to and was assured that she would still love me no matter what. I am convinced that she is still there listening to me. I am convinced that she is still watching over me. And I know that she has been assured that I have tried to keep my promises to her. It may have been a struggle to get through losing her. It may have been difficult to get through some of the things life threw at me without her here to help guide me. But just as I promised her…I am okay. Sure there are times when I have to convince myself…but I know that I am okay….and I will continue to be.

I love you Mama….always.